Platonic Cuddling: The What, Why, and How (2024)

Co-authored byImad Jbaraand Luke Smith, MFA

Last Updated: July 27, 2023Fact Checked

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   Platonic cuddling is non-sexual close physical contact. It's a physical connection that goes a bit beyond the normal instances of physical touch, like hand-holding or hugs (though it might include these), without crossing a line into romantic or sexual territory.^[1] Platonic cuddling can be performed by adult close friends or family members, or really anyone you trust deeply and who consents to that touch.

   • Platonic cuddling provides a valuable physical and emotional connection between 2 or more people, and has a number of beneficial side effects.
   • Platonic cuddling can happen between people of any gender—2 men can platonically cuddle, as well as 2 women, or even a man and a woman. In fact, platonically cuddling can involve more than 2 people.
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   Platonic cuddling is different from romantic cuddling. With romantic cuddling, a couple usually has the intention of pushing further into sensual acts, like kissing or sex (but not always), or aims to deepen their romantic relationship. Platonic cuddling, though, is done just for the sake of physical contact, or to experience intimacy without romance.^[2]

   • Romantic cuddling also tends to involve other intimate actions, like stroking someone’s hair or face. These tend to be absent during platonic cuddling, since they may feel a bit too intimate.

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   Platonic, physical touch releases beneficial brain chemicals. When you touch someone, or are touched by someone you trust, your brain releases oxytocin, or the “cuddle hormone.” This neurological chemical boosts your mood and enhances your sense of attachment and trust toward the other person.^[3] Platonic cuddling is a great way to help your brain balance its chemistry.

   • Oxytocin is also known to aid feelings of relaxation and promote overall psychological stability.^[4]
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   Cuddling can strengthen your platonic relationships. Cuddling isn’t just for romantic partners! Close physical touch is a great way to build trust, familiarity, and communication between 2 or more people.^[5] When you cuddle somebody, you also foster a sense of belonging and safety in their presence, helping you to deepen your bond with them.

   • Of course, platonic cuddling isn’t for everyone. Not everyone is comfortable with close physical contact, but also not all relationships call for that kind of intimacy.
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   Platonic company can boost your mental health. In the modern world, opportunities for physical touch are quickly disappearing as the digital age prioritizes communication across distances. But human beings need touch in order to develop vital interpersonal skills, and a lack of touch can even lead to poor psychological well-being.^[6] In a touch-starved society, platonic cuddling helps supplement an aspect of our everyday lives that we’re quickly losing.

   See Also

   Is your relationship really a 'situationship'?How to Go Out with a Guy As Just a Friend: 13 Expert TipsFriends who kiss on the lips? Platonic kissing is polarizing, but not as uncommon as you might thinkPlatonic Friendship: What It Is and How to Make It Work

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   Platonic cuddling challenges society’s norms. Think about it: platonic touches between women are often no big deal, but our society tends to be a bit less comfortable thinking about touching between men. Men are taught to be hypermasculine, and shunning that touch is a damaging symptom of having fragile masculinity.^[7] But touch is a deeply ingrained part of the human experience that we’ve lost touch with (pardon the pun), and challenging those norms is the first step to getting it back.

   • Platonic touch is a large part of many queer cultures, it’s true, but that doesn’t make platonic intimacy or cuddling inherently queer. The queer community is simply full of pioneers breaking down barriers for the rest of us!

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   Always ask permission first. The most important part of any physical contact is consent. Clear consent fosters an atmosphere of trust and safety, and there’s not much point to cuddling if those things aren’t present.^[8] But rather than ask something like, “Do you want to cuddle?” be specific and honest in order to help the other person stay comfortable and not feel pressured.

   • For example, say something like, “Is it alright if I put my head in your lap?” or, “I want to get more comfortable, can I put my legs on yours?”
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   Act casual to avoid making it uncomfortable. The quickest way to make things weird is by acting like they’re weird, yourself.^[9] Avoid saying things like, “This might seem weird, but…” or any talk of romance beyond setting your boundaries. It’s natural to feel a little nervous, but acting confident and self-assured is the best way to help the other person feel at ease, too.

   • Instead, say something like, “Hey, I really trust and respect you, which is why I wanted to ask if you might want to sit closer together.”
   • If you need to, emphasize that it’s strictly platonic by saying something like, “I’m not looking for a romantic connection or anything, I just want to feel closer to you.”
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   Set boundaries about the kind of touch you both like. Before you get cuddling, let your cuddle buddy know what you’re comfortable with, and how much might be too much. Also, ask your cuddle buddy about their own boundaries.^[10] Setting boundaries helps both of you stay on the same page, and prevents any awkward or unwanted touching.

   • For example, say something like, “I enjoy holding hands with you and sitting side-by-side, so let’s keep it to that for now.”
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   Start with smaller touches and ease into cuddling. There’s no need to go full-contact right away, if you don’t want to. If you’re nervous, simple hand-holding makes for a great first step that still gives you much of the closeness of full cuddling.^[11] Start with only small areas of contact for 2-3 minutes, and if it feels right, ask your cuddle buddy if you can cuddle a little more.

   • Pay attention to you and your buddy’s body language. If either of you seem anxious or uncomfortable, it’s always okay to draw back or end contact.
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   Keep your clothes on, and avoid sexual positions. Being showered and fully clothed helps you and your cuddle buddy feel both comfortable and casual.^[12] Then, to avoid any awkward situations, stay away from the more romantic or sexual positions if they make you uncomfortable. For example, spooning might be off the table, but lying down back-to-back might feel more your speed.

   • Also, do something that’ll distract both of you from the touch itself, like watching a TV show or using your phones, to keep things more low-key, if you like. Keeping your eyes open may also help things feel more casual.
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   Cuddle only with people you trust and are close to. Who you cuddle with is just as important as how. It helps to do it with someone you’ve already had some platonic intimacy with, and who’s already familiar with you on a deeper level. Keep it between trusting adults who are capable of full consent.^[13]

   • While it’s not strictly off-limits, avoid cuddling with people who are already in romantic relationships, or people you may be romantically interested in.

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   The companion In this position, 2 people sit side-by-side with their shoulders touching.^[14] It’s a very low-key position that’s great for beginners, since it feels pretty natural already. You don’t have to make eye contact, and you can mix it up as you see fit with hand-holding, resting your head on their shoulder, or whatever feels right.

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   Back-to-back This position involves 2 people lying down facing away from each other, with their backs touching.^[15] It’s not too involved and you’re not facing each other directly, so it’s great for if you want to browse your phone or do something else to keep you occupied as you enjoy contact. This also makes it a great way to pass hours at time.

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   Belly-down The belly-down position involves 2 people lying on their stomachs side-by-side.^[16] You can touch however much or as little as you like; touch at the hips, your shoulders, or maybe even not at all—the quality time alone is beneficial. This position is also great for using your phone or watching TV together.

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   Lounge chair For this position, one person (usually the larger of the 2) sits upright, and the second person sits between their legs, with their back to the chest of the first person.^[17] It’s definitely a bit more intimate than other positions, but it lets the “little spoon” feel safe and surrounded by a big hug, and lets the “big spoon” feel like something of a protector, which is a great bonding dynamic.

   See Also

   What boundaries in friendship look like

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   Head in the lap This position is exactly what it sounds like! One person sits upright, and the other places their head in the first person’s lap, facing upward.^[18] It’s surprisingly casual when you do it with the right person, and using another person as a pillow is an incredibly relaxing and comfortable experience. Just be sure to take turns, if you like!

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   Cuddle pile This involves a group of 3 or more people just lying around in any configuration they feel comfortable with.^[19] You might form a triangle with your heads on each other’s legs, or sit in a nested lounge chair position. Whatever you choose, adding a third, fourth, or however many extra cuddle buddies goes a long way to diffusing any awkwardness—you’re all just hanging out!

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